Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
My balls are so social today.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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