i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
