I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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