Im at strip club and am horny
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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