True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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