I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
