Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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