There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
