I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
