I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
