went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
