i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
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