Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
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