Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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