i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
