i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
