Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
did i just pee glitter
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