I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
