so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
