Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
