Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
