Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
