i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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