dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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