The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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