i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
