for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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