Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
