Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
