Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
