just come out here and I will go home with you...
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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