under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
