I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
