I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
