i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
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The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
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I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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