I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
