Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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