Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
