Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
