Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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