You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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