saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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