hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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