Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
