What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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