Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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