Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I did not marry a roomba.
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