its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
