I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
