i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
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