and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
