My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
