I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
