Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
