the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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