Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
