enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
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The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
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If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.