She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage