Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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