the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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