I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
