I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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